Decisions, Realizations and a Hopeful Future
by IslandGurl90
Summary: Things get interesting for the gang at SGH when someone from Derek, Mark, and Addison's past makes a visit. Not only do they turn things upside down but they also share quite an interesting past with another member of the surgical team. Post 'Yesterday'.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Past Decisions, Brutal Realizations and a Hopeful Future

Author: Farrah

Disclaimer: If I had a couple million to spare, believe me Grey's would be mine, but I don't. I'm going to cry now :-(

Summary: Things get a little interesting for the gang at Seattle Grace when someone from Derek, Mark, and Addison's past makes a visit. Not only do they turn things upside down but they also share quite an interesting past with another member of the surgical team. Post 'Yesterday'.

A/N: So I have no clue why I'm starting a new story when I have 2 to update but what the hell. Hope you enjoy. Please let me know what you think… I have so many things running around in my head.

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><p>This is post 'Yesterday' with little changes. The whole Derek punching Mark over Meredith thing and Mark realizing that Derek doesn't know that he and Addison had a 'relationship' after he left that ended with her having an abortion did happen.<p>

In this story, even though Addison didn't meet him at Joes, Mark stayed and he got a probationary job from the Chief. Derek is still pissed at the chief about it.

Burke and Christina just became official; she got rid of her apartment.

I'm going to say the interns are about 26-27 and the attendings are about 35-36.

In this one though, Alex has already slept with Olivia already so the syphilis has happened; George fought him, Izzie has broken up with him, the whole bit.

Meredith and George never slept with each other.

Alex has just found out he failed his boards.

No clue what the pairings will be. I obviously have a new character (possibly more lol) so I think I'll just let things play out.

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><p><em>Meredith Voice Over: <em>_Decisions. It all comes down to them. Every day we wake up, from the moment our eyes open we make decisions. When we're young we don't get them, they're made for us but then all of a sudden it's our time to make them. If we've only ever had things decided for us who the hell is suppose to tell us what to do? How do we know if we're doing it right?_

Meredith, Alex, and Christina had just got off the tail end of a 48 hour shift and they were spent, more so with the events of the day than the lack of sleep.

Meredith had been avoiding Derek like the plague lately and he was making it extremely difficult. Every corner she turned he was there giving her that pitiful look, that look that told her that he knew she was avoiding him but he didn't know why. He was unbelievable. She begged him to pick her but he chose his wife then she almost gets blown up and he comes to see her in the middle of the night. He was simply unbelievable. Between Derek and the propositioning on Mark's part she was about to lose it.

Christina was plain tired of commitment. Things with Burke were good but every so often he would say something or do something that required action on her part, action that solidified what they had. What they had in her mind, was good sex and living together. Why was it so important for him to label things? When they first started it was easy, it worked, it was good old fashioned sex. Then she had the miscarriage and he flipped the script. Almost every girl would be happy for a man that wanted commitment but Christina Yang was like every other girl.

Alex was pissed. How could he be the only intern not to pass the test? O'Malley passed, O'Malley and he couldn't. Never before had he been in this situation. He excelled at everything! Star athlete, good looks, and brains to back up his cocky attitude. He was every girls wet dream (atleast in his mind) and here he was, the bottom of the grommets, basically lower than low.

They needed to drink.

So Joes it was.

Mark had the same idea. It had been 3 months since he picked up and came to Seattle trying to win Addison back. Quite frankly he didn't know why he was still there, Addison had made it clear that she was trying to work it out with Derek and he knew Derek would try like hell to make the marriage work even if it made both of them miserable. Like Grey said, 'you don't leave a guy like that if you can help it'. Grey. He wondered if she was the reason he stayed or if his therapist was right, and he stayed because he is self loathing to an almost pathological degree and wants to punish himself for ruining his friendship with Addison and Derek by watching them move on without him. He liked Grey but he knew he didn't lover her not like what he felt for Addison.

He pondered all of this as he made his way to the sliding doors, the emerald city bar's neon sign becoming visible.

"So here I am thinking I've come to see Derek and look who I find slumming it" the woman said effectively stopping Mark dead in his tracks.

He hadn't heard that voice in at least six months. He turned and looked at the beautiful woman that stood before him causing all air to leave his body. He felt like he would pass out. He had kept off his mind intentionally, because from the first time he met her she had that same hold on him.

She stood five feet five inches tall, a perfect size two with the silkiest black hair that he had ever seen, with soft curls that dropped loosely on her shoulders. She had an almost honey complexion, perfectly tanned, perfectly toned, except something was off about her. She seemed more frail than he remembered, much more tired.

"jesus Alyssa, what are you doing here?" He breathed finally regaining composure

"I just told you! Came to visit Derek." She smiled as she walked closer to him

"Really? How have you been? Let's go grab a drink!" he tried to make small talk. When had this become so hard for him?

Just then Alex, Mer and Christina walked off the elevator spotting Mark by the door.

"Who's the hottie!" Alex smirked

"What's it matter to you? You got no chance, you're just the coffee bitch" Christina laughed knowing how much Alex hated being Mark's coffee boy.

Meanwhile…

"Let's not act like were best friends Mark, that's already behind us. I only came here for Derek" she replied coolly

"Ouch! That hurt Alyssa! Come on, six months doesn't ruin a friendship!"

"You don't know what friendship means Mark!" Alyssa shouted louder than she expected, she didn't intend to draw attention to herself. She just couldn't take Mark making light of the situation not now, not with everything that was going on.

"You hurt no-" and her words were cut short as her eyes rolled back in her head and she quickly started her descent about to hit the floor hard.

It's good for her Mark had some pretty fast reflexes because she would have had a nasty bruise, but Mark couldn't think about that, as soon as he caught her she started convulsing. For the first time he couldn't think, he let her go and watched her convulse on the floor. He was stuck. For a man that had the presence of mind to catch her he couldn't comprehend what was in front of his eyes. He wasn't a doctor at that point, he was a concerned friend.

"Somebody get me a gurney!" Meredith screamed as she ran to the girl on the floor, turning her on her side to help her stop seizing.

"Mark what happened?" He didn't respond "Mark!" The second call seemed to have brought him out of his reverie and he dropped to his knees to help Meredith.

"Alyssa baby hold on! Hold on!" He screamed as he willed her through it.

As soon as she stopped, Christina and Alex were by their sides with the gurney. Mark scooped her up with no effort at all and started running with the gurney to the elevators with one thing on his mind… Find Derek!


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Past Decisions, Brutal Realizations and a Hopeful Future

Author: Farrah

Disclaimer: If I had a couple million to spare, believe me Grey's would be mine, but I don't. I'm going to cry now :-(

Summary: Things get interesting for the gang at SGH when someone from Derek, Mark, and Addison's past makes a visit. Not only do they turn things upside down but they also share quite an interesting past with another member of the surgical team. Post 'Yesterday'.

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><p>Almost four hours had passed since Alyssa had been admitted. Mark ordered Meredith to run every possible test he could think of, CT, MRI, tox screen, chem. 7, full blood workup, you name it, he ordered it. He stayed with her every step of the way. He even shed a tear after he looked at her scans.<p>

Her scans were horrible, she didn't just have a tumor, but it was big, bad and ugly son of a bitch. He needed Derek to fix her. He sent Isobel Stevens to find Derek and tell him that he needed to speak with him, but he was in emergency surgery. Derek's surgery had been out for a half hour by this time but he still hadn't answered any of his pages.

Mark knew he should go look for Derek himself but he couldn't leave Alyssa, he stayed by her bedside holding her hand urging her to wake up. It wasn't uncommon for someone not to wake up after a seizure for a few hours but four was pushing it. He couldn't believe his Alyssa was sick, he wondered how long she knew and why she hadn't sought out Derek sooner. Another hour passed and Mark couldn't wait anymore, for all he knew she was getting worse so he stomped over to Derek's office, but before he could get there he found him at a nurse's station writing in a file.

"Derek" Mark called, pissed that he wasn't answering his pages

Derek looked in his direction and walked the other way. He wanted nothing to do with Mark. He couldn't forgive him for what he did and he knew it was only a matter of time before Mark tried to apologize, but he didn't want to hear it. What Mark did was unforgiveable, and to make matters worse he moved to Seattle, so he had to be reminded of his wife and best friend's indiscretion daily.

"Derek Christopher Shepherd!" Mark yelled, seething with anger

Derek whipped around ready to lay into Mark but stopped when he actually looked at him. Mark looked like hell, no worse than hell, he looked like death. His eyes were puffy and bloodshot, his skin was pale and his hair disheveled, he did not look like Mark Sloan, and if only for a second, this worried Derek.

"It's not about me, or you or this thing between us" Mark said as he walked over to Derek, "It's about Lyss" Derek looked at him confused, "She's here" this perked Derek up, he broke out into a huge smile, and it hurt Mark a little more to have to tell him but Alyssa couldn't wait "she's sick Derek, she's really sick" Mark's voice broke not being able to hold back the pain

"Where is she" Derek spoke for the first time, fear in his voice

"Room 1240" by the time the words were out of his mouth Derek was running a full sprint toward it, which Mark followed suit

When Derek reached the room his heart broke. The smart young lady he had watched blossom into a woman, whom he had spent the last seven years getting to know and loving as if she were his sister was in a hospital bed. He had seen her just a short six months ago and she was fine but now here she was in front of him, sick and frail looking, hooked up to machines and laying in a bed unconscious. He just couldn't understand what could go so wrong in such a short period of time. He crossed the room in two long strides and sat in the vacant chair beside her bed, resting her hand in his at the same time. "What happened" he asked softly after a short while.

Mark who stood in the doorway, trying to give Derek some space, some time with her, moved in to the room and sat in the chair by the door, a few paces from the bed "I was heading home and she called out to me, told me she came to see you and before she could say anything else she dropped to the floor and started seizing" Mark informed, providing Derek with the condensed version

"I had Meredith run some tests" Derek's head shot up at the mention of his ex-girlfriend's name sending a death glare Mark's way. The room was dimly lit but although he couldn't see Derek's eyes Mark knew Derek wasn't happy about him being around Meredith so he needed to clarify and quickly, "she saw when Alyssa started seizing she came over to help me, so I asked her to help with the tests" Derek's gaze returned to Alyssa so he supposed Derek was satisfied with the explanation

Mark walked over to the halogen board, turning it on and placing the scans of Alyssa's brain on it. He needed no words; the elevated breathing from Derek who now stood beside him was all he needed for confirmation. It was really really bad.

"Anaplastic Oligoastrocytoma" he whispered pointing to the large mass covering her frontal lobe. "And an astrocyticendoma on her occipital nerve" Derek said as he walked out of the room, he felt like he was going to be sick. Had it been anyone else he would have told them to live the next 3-5 months of their life as best they could because to try to remove those tumors would be certain death. It wasn't the tumors themselves that posed a problem, they were difficult yes, but the placement of them made it impossible.

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><p>Derek stood with his back to the wall watching Alyssa sleep, Mark next to her in the chair, his head resting on the bed close to her thigh holding firmly to her hand, as if for dear life. He had gotten no sleep, he had called every neurosurgeon he could think of to see if anyone had attempted the surgery themselves, but no one, not one good outcome. He researched for the entire night and nothing; he couldn't let her die though, not his friend, not her, not like this.<p>

"Ahem" Bailey cleared her throat loudly as she walked into the room waking Mark from his slumber, her interns following closely behind "Dr. Shepherd" she acknowledged not seeing him before to which he gave a curt nod.

"He looks like shit" Christina whispered to Meredith, who managed to get some rest in an on-call room early in the morning after receiving the last of the test results.

"Yang! Since you're so talkative today you may present." Bailey scolded not looking back at Christina

Christina rolled her eyes and began "We have Alyssa Graham, 26 years old, admitted"

"Dr. Alyssa Graham" Alyssa interrupted voice raspy and thick

"Alyssa!" both Mark and Derek said rushing to her side, Derek reverting to doctor by moving his mini flashlight in her eyes for her to follow, which she did whilst trying to sit up.

"Stay" Mark said as he placed a hand on her shoulder

"I am not a damn dog, and I will do as I please" Alyssa barked as she swatted Mark's hand and sat up anyway, getting a chuckle from Derek.

"Squeeze" Derek told Alyssa holding his hands toward her and she complied receiving a glare from Mark

"Alright give the woman some space." Bailey shouted at Mark and Derek as they were hovering, "Nice to meet you Ms. Graham I'm Dr. Bailey" she said as she extended her hand to the young woman which was accepted quickly and with a bright smile

"Dr. Bailey, do you mind if we finish this up rather quickly so I can talk to Derek in private?" She asked motioning to the interns that were still in the room.

"Sure" Bailey said then motioning to Christina to finish

"Not necessary, I'll do it to make it quicker" Alyssa said then continued not waiting to see if Bailey was okay with it "Dr. Alyssa Graham. 26. Admitted last night with grand mal seizures. I have an anaplastic oligoastrocytoma resting smack dab in the middle of my frontal lobe and an astrocyticendoma that has decided to take rest on my occipital nerve. Symptoms so far are migraines, vomiting and occasional seizures. Only medication in the last month is dexamethasone taken at 1.3mg daily, and 22mg twice per month intravenously. For the size and placement of both tumors chemo and radiation therapy are no longer viable options." She finished placing her hands on her lap

"What kind of medicine you practice anyway?" Alex asked aloud taking a liking to her

"Surgery. Anything else?"

"Are you Dr. Graham, Yale's Dr. Graham. Top of the class in 98 Dr. Graham?" Christina asked seemingly awe struck

"Yes, that would be me, I'm sorry but have we met before?" Alyssa asked not recalling the face

"No, I had a professor that talked about you nonstop" Christina retorted a little disdain in her tone

"Really? Who's that?"

"Dr. Colin Marlowe"

"Yeah, Colin is a good friend, still trying to persuade me into cardio" Alyssa droned off at the end recalling the many conversations they had regarding her specialty

"Out, out, out, now!" Bailey said as she shooed her interns out of the room, mumbling something about being stuck with talkative suck-ups or something of the other.

"I'd like to speak to Derek alone please" Alyssa spoke in an even tone staring at the wall in front of her

"Aly" Mark said pleadingly, using Derek's nickname for her, hoping she would just look at him

"I'm not ready to speak to you Mark, not yet." She looked him in the eyes, hurt evident in hers

"okay, okay I'll leave but I'll be back later even if you're still not ready, I'll be back" he whispered the last part in her ear after he kissed the top of her head lovingly, an action which caused her to flinch. That hurt him. She couldn't stand to be touched by him, but it was his fault, he had to give her some time.

"How long have you known about the tumors Alyssa?" Derek asked getting straight to business

"Not long, a little over a month."

"You waited this long to come find me?" He breathed

"I called Derek. Two almost three weeks ago, I called. You never got back to me. I was hoping I would find someone else to be honest. I didn't want to bother you with this, I know you're trying to work things out with…" she trailed off at the end, unable to say the name. She hated that woman, and Derek knew it.

"I'm sorry I didn't call back, I'm so sorry" he stopped pacing to look at her "But how you think this would be a bother to me is ridiculous. I would have been there for you, in every way I could" he said as he ran his hand through his hair resuming his pacing

"I know Derek and that's the reason I looked to every other neurosurgeon I could think of first. I even had Amelia look it over…"

"My baby sister?" he couldn't believe she thought of letting Amelia operate on her instead of him

"She's not a baby anymore Derek. She's good. But let's be honest here, the chances that either one of these tumors can be removed with me not dying on the table are slim to none. The chances both of them can be removed is nil Derek. It just can't be done."

"You don't know that. I've called around, done research…"

"And it is still impossible" she interjected

"Nothing is impossible" he said crossing his arms, looking like a petulant child being forbad to eat cookies before dinner

"I knew this would happen" she shook her head knowing it was a mistake to come

"Well what would you have me do Aly?" he asked desperate for some kind of guidance

"Be my best friend again. Let me have the best 3,4,5, or however many months I have left. Let me die with dignity"

"You don't die with dignity. You live with it. You know just as well as me that with this, this tumor, your last month or so will be hell. You'll lose all control of your bodily function, possibly lose your speech, definitely lose your sight; you'll have to depend on-"

"Derek! Stop. Stop Derek please!" she whaled not being able to think about her inevitable future, "Don't you think I know that. I know okay I know, but there's no other choice, there isn't"

"Let me try" he said taking her hands in his "Let me come up with something, go over your scans. I'll find a way. I promise you."

"I don't know Derek, I don't know, I just don't" she told him truthfully

"Just give me some time, if I don't find a way then we'll stick with your plan, but if I find a way, you have to promise me to think about it, promise me you'll fight"

"Okay, you've got a deal." She relented. What could it hurt any way? It made them both happy, and there was no way Derek would find an actual way to remove the tumors.

"You really don't have to be mad at Mark on account of me" he said as he sat in the bed next to her, putting his arms around her, trying to lighten the mood "What he did ruined our friendship but it doesn't have to ruin yours"

"Are you seriously defending Mark right now?"

"No, I'm just saying, he cares about you. He stayed with you the whole night, slept right here waiting for you to wake up."

"Trust me Derek, Mark and I's issues go way past what he and super bitch… I mean Addison did to you."

"What does that mean?" Derek asked wondering what could have transpired since his departure from New York

"Well quick version?" she stopped to receive a nod of affirmation from Derek, which she got and continued with "Mark never once called me since, you know, the night you walked in on them. So I called him, never got an answer, a return call or even text if only to tell me to buzz off. I decided that I'd go to the brownstone and confront him, when I get there, now keep in mind I'm across the street, but I see he and Addison kissing in the doorway, Addison leaves but he spots me, looks me dead in the eyes, and closes the door." She stopped to wipe a stray tear from her eye "I don't know about you Derek but to me, that's not a friend. I expected more from him, makes me feel like the last 7 or 8 were a complete waste of time."

"After I left? Addison was at Mark's, kissing him… after I left?" he said putting emphasis on the last words

"You didn't know?" she asked scared of what she let out, she would never have guessed Addison and Mark kept it a secret.

"No I didn't" he replied through a clenched jaw

"Derek I am so sorry! I didn't know. I figured you knew! I didn't think they would lie about it!" she said sitting up putting his face between her hands forcing him to look at her, but Derek was in another world, he wasn't listening anymore.

"I got to go. I'll be back later to check on you" he said absentmindedly, kissing her on her forehead before leaving

"What did I do!" She mumbled, genuinely sorry that she caused more problems for Derek.


	3. Chapter 3

Title: Past Decisions, Brutal Realizations and a Hopeful Future

Author: Farrah

Disclaimer: If I had a couple million to spare, believe me Grey's would be mine, but I don't. I'm going to cry now :-(

Summary: Things get interesting for the gang at SGH when someone from Derek, Mark, and Addison's past makes a visit. Not only do they turn things upside down but they also share quite an interesting past with another member of the surgical team. Post 'Yesterday'.

A/N: So I am so super sorry for not updating my stories (all of them). I'm trying to rectify the situation now… I hope I still have some readers out there. If you guys are new to the fic I know the storyline is a bit old but I always wanted to finish this story.

Please review if you like it.

FYI for who I envisioned Alyssa to look like is Zoe Saldana.

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"Where do you think you're going?" Meredith asked as she walked into Alyssa room charts in hand

"I'm getting out of here, I've caused enough trouble", Alyssa replied as she brought her jacket over her slender shoulders "What do you care anyway?"

"Well I spent the entire night running your labs and just came to check in on you."

"That still does not explain why you care. So that leaves either trying to get in on the surgery or solidifying your spot in Mark's bed..." Alyssa asked quite harshly never looking up to fully recognize Meredith's presence "let me save you some trouble… Mark's not the type of guy that's in the business of having girlfriends, that's the real reason you're here right?" Alyssa asked again but received no answer, slipping her feet into her flats she grumbled, "For your sake I hope so, because even an intern should realize this surgery is a dud."

"Ummm" Meredith said not really sure how to answer her or quite frankly which question to answer in the first place.

"Wow. Your Pretty… and his type." Alyssa said giving Mer the once over for the first time since she entered the room, the sentence structured as if it were a compliment but somehow seeming anything but.

"I'm Meredith" extending her hand as it was the only thing to come to mind.

"So which is it?" Alyssa asked clasping Meredith's hands firmly.

"Neither" Mer asked not sounding confident in the least, which brought about a head tilt from Alyssa, whom still had not released Mer's hand, this was definitely becoming awkward.

"I'm not sleeping with Mark, nor do I want to. Also, not trying to get in on the non- existent surgery, although I'm sure Derek will find a way, he always does." Meredith replied not exactly meaning for the latter to escape her lips.

"Intern. Familiarity with 2 attendings, so much so you call them by their forenames with ease. Not sleeping with Mark and no desire. There was a sigh when you spoke about Derek, slight but it was present, and a relaxation of your shoulders as well. So it's Derek's bed you want into, or have you already?" Alyssa asked, the audible deduction seemed mainly for her own reasoning but the end was definitely a question for Meredith.

Meredith stood shocked; a slight blush had already crept to her face, mouth open and uncertain of the quickest way out of the situation.

"You don't have to answer. You're Meredith Grey aren't you… the intern that got Derek Shepard to stray." She paused a while maybe looking for an answer but received none, she decided to take rest on the bed tucking her feet under her bottom, "Sit" she ordered Meredith to the chair by the door to which Meredith obeyed. There was a demanding quality to Alyssa Graham, not unlike Bailey's; somehow you knew not following orders with her was not allowed. "Relax. No need to be afraid of me" She smiled, changing her tone even, "I actually wanted to congratulate you, well maybe thank you a bit as well."

"Excuse me? I don't understand" Mer retorted quite perplexed by the turn of events, she just wanted to check on the woman, see if she was comfortable, tell her Mark said he would be out of surgery soon and Derek, well no one knew where Derek was but, on the off chance she ran into him she would be able to say she checked on his friend instead of the strained conversations they usually had.

"You are the first woman in what, like 12 years to even make Derek turn his head away from Satan's direction. I swear I thought that woman had some stronghold on him, even considered the use of black magic or something of the kind." Alyssa laughed to herself.

"And you think what I did is a good thing?" Mer asked incredulously.

"Hey! I'm the last person you'll find to condone cheating. I'm probably right next to Derek on the matter… or I used to be. But what she did to Derek, that was just beyond evil, even for her, so yeah what you did, what you and Derek did, justified. She deserved it."

"I take it you don't like her very much." Mer surmised from the use of the word Satan and the sudden anger that rolled off Alyssa in waves.

"And you do?" she asked, not quite answering Meredith's.

"I … I don't know. She's. Well, she's nice. She makes it very hard to dislike her. There are two sides to the story and well it wasn't all her fault." Meredith relayed much of what Addison had told her previously about her and Derek's marital issues.

"Take it from someone who was there there..." She looked as though she was about to spill everything but then stopped herself by biting her bottom lip. "You know what, enough of those two, why are you here? Checking on me for Derek?" she asked, bring the conversation right back to where it started.

"I… I…" Mer stuttered, effectively showing that she was still uncomfortable with the topic of Derek.

"You still love him." Alyssa stated as if it were fact, though it was more of a guess, hoping to get a reaction out of Meredith, which she did as she all of a sudden found her shoes to be very interesting. "Oh my god, you do, you're in love with him!"

"How…" Meredith asked as she heard the true inflection of realization in the other woman's tone. It was then she realized that she had been goaded into the answer, so the question of how was less about Alyssa figuring it out and more about how she got Mer to spill without saying anything.

"If you haven't realized by now, I'm pretty good with deduction, and reading people is a bit of a hobby, improved over the years." Alyssa replied smugly, but changed her tone once again very quickly to one incorporating a sense of somberness. "Does he know?"

Meredith hadn't expected that question, so it threw her for a loop. She remembered begging him to pick her over Addison, to not step on her heart. "Yeah. He knows."

"HUH" Alyssa huffed and shook her head slowly "Damn that woman" she whispered as she stood to her feet, picked up her purse from the table, and made her way to the door.

"Wait. Where are you going?" Meredith asked, perplexed by the abrupt end to the conversation.

"I told you. I've already caused too much trouble, but Meredith, Derek's a good guy. Not because he's my friend but because it's true. A part of that means, unfortunately, that he makes stupid decisions, ones that hurt him and others. I know you don't me and I may be overstepping my bounds but don't give up on him, especially now, he's going to be working out some things and it's because of me, but he'll need a friend, and I think you'll be perfect for it." She turned to leave again but stopped as she reached the threshold, turning to look intently at Meredith. "Do you know where I could get a good burger?"

This woman had completely confused Meredith. One second a heartfelt, whatever that was, then she's asking about food, so Mer did the only thing she could think of at the time. "Yeah, um Joes bar. It's across the street. You can't miss it." And with that, Alyssa Graham left just as quickly as she came.

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Derek sat in his office; he had been there for the better part of the morning. It was a good thing he hadn't had any morning surgeries and his 2 afternoon surgeries could be postponed till the following morning. He was in no position to operate at present.

He didn't know how long he had been there behind his desk, staring at the blank computer screen, but as he sat there wondering how he could have been such a fool. Wondering, how he hadn't realized that Mark was chasing Addison because there was more between them than a one-time roll in the sack. It made him sick to his stomach to know that this was yet again another secret that Addison had kept from him, but not only her, but a man that he had thought of like a brother for most of his life. Neither of them had the decency to tell him the whole truth so he could have made a decision for himself.

Decision! He had decided to stay with Addison because she was his wife, and although she betrayed him with his best friend, he had a duty to give them another shot. You don't just throw 14 years of marriage down the drain for one indiscretion no matter how horrible it was. He owed her to try. But now he wonders if he would have made the same decision if he had all the facts. Because honestly, he doesn't think he owes her a damn thing anymore, it wasn't just a one-time thing, some stupid mistake that she regretted dearly, it was ongoing, for how long he didn't even know.

To think, she made him feel guilty for moving on with Meredith when she had already done the same thing. Meredith. He had let her go, well not really, but he hadn't chosen her. He had hurt her, he knew that, but still couldn't let her go.

So now he sits in his office going over the last 8 months of his life and how screwed up it had all become, and his mind floats to the reason for all his contemplation, Alyssa. The woman whom through all of this has always been on his side, despite the friendship they all had shared. She was sick, and in need of him, to be her friend, to support her, to help her through her own tough time.

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"Would you just get off it already?" Christina groaned at Alex. He had been asking questions about Alyssa since they sat down to lunch in the cafeteria.

"Off what?" Meredith asked as she sat down in the open seat next to Christina.

"McHottie" Alex answered with a mouth full of fries.

"Real original" Izzie rolled her eyes at him, she still definitely hated him.

"It kind of fits Izz." Mer answered scooting her salad around the plate, guessing the conversation was about Dr. Alyssa Graham.

"So what, you take his side now?" Christina asked, seemingly miffed by Mer agreeing with Alex.

"I'm not taking anyone's side Christina… what's eating you?" Meredith asked her friend, confused by her annoyance.

"Crack whore's been crabby all morning since she met her arch nemesis" Alex laughed as he ate his ham sandwich.

"Alyssa?" Meredith asked finally taking a bite of her salad

"So you two are BFF's now? Figures, she has Sloan and Shepherd wrapped around her finger, why not you too." Christina surmised.

Everyone at the table was shocked. First it had seemed funny, but Christina seemed genuinely upset about the whole thing.

"What did she ever do to you?" George asked, as soon as he said it he wished he hadn't because it seems Christina was primed to lay into him.

"You're jealous of her." Izzie spoke, awestruck by the realization.

"What the hell are you piping on about now Barbie?" Christina asked.

"You're jealous that your professor use to talk about her all the time, aren't you?" Izzie asked but it was more of an accusation.

"I don't know what you're talking about" Christina pouted folding her arms which caused the table to erupt in laughter.

"No way! What happened? She stole your thunder crack whore? Didn't get to be teacher's pet?" Alex asked through his laughter, he was just short of keeling over.

"No one steals my thunder." Christina answered grouchily, kicking Alex in his shin, causing him to stop laughing, but causing another round of laughter amongst the rest of the crew. "Besides, I don't see anything special about her anyway" she mumbled the last part.

"Christina! She's dying!" Izzie stopped to admonish her.

"So?…" Christina answered quickly, showing that she didn't see a problem with it.

Just as Meredith was about to comment Mark appeared at her side wild-eyed.

"Mark. What's the matter?" she asked as she stood to meet him.

"Lyss. She's gone. I don't know where she is. Did you tell her I would be out of surgery soon?" Mark fired off, visibly distraught.

"Oh shit!" Meredith cursed but before she could say anything more Mark interjected.

"You didn't tell her?"

"I went to… she was getting ready to leave when I got to her room. We talked a while and I forgot to tell her. I'm sorry."

"She talked to you?" He asked, surprised, that didn't seem like something Alyssa would do.

"Yeah…."

"Did she say why she was leaving or where she was going to go? I tried calling her but she didn't answer."

"She said something about causing too much trouble already. She asked about food so I told her she should check out Joes. I'm sorry Mark…"

"How long ago was this?" He asked hurriedly, hoping it would be his key to finding her.

"I don't know. Maybe 15 minutes or…" Before she could finish the sentence Mark was running out of the cafeteria.

"Wrapped around her little finger" Christina said as she got up to throw her food away, leaving the group.

"That looks more like he's whipped if you ask me." Alex said as he reached over and ate some of Meredith's salad.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"What can I get for you" Joe asked as Alyssa slid her coat off her shoulders.

"Is your kitchen open yet?"

"Sure is, what are you in the mood for?"

"Beef!" She smiled "Give me the biggest cheeseburger you have and lots of fries."

She looked around and chose a booth not too far from the end of the bar.

"I can do that… How about a drink?"

"A beer for starters" she said and he obliged quickly coming around the bar to place the beer and some peanuts in front of her, "Thanks" she smiled as she fished her phone out of her pocket seeing she had a missed call from Mark and a few others, nothing that couldn't wait.

"So… doctor, nurse, or patient?" Joe asked which caused Alyssa to turn her head to the side, wondering why the odd question. "When your bar is across the street from the hospital, it's pretty much the extent of my patrons."

"Ah! So you're Joe."

"In the flesh!"

"I'm Alyssa. It's nice to meet you, but to answer your question, I'm a doctor." She said as she extended her hand for him to shake, which he accepted, not divulging that she was also a patient.

"Really! So are you going to be working at SGH now?"

"No. Just came to visit an old friend."

"Well I hope you have a nice visit. Just give me a few minutes and I'll be back out with your food."

"Thank You."

Maybe 3 or 4 minutes passed as Alyssa busied herself with returning emails to department heads, and job offers she was still fielding, so she didn't pay much attention when the bell on the door chimed signaling she wasn't the only other customer in the bar.

"What the hell are you thinking?" Mark practically shouted, scaring her half stupid.

"Shit Mark! You scared the bejesus out of me!" she exclaimed as she held her hand over her chest trying to catch her breath. As she calmed she took a swig of her beer letting the cool amber liquid quench her thirst, only for the bottle to be snatched from her hands.

"You know you shouldn't be drinking in your condition." He drawled as he placed the beer in front of him, he was positively livid with her.

"My condition? Seriously!" she gawked at him "You and I both know that me having a beer is not going to cause my death. What is going to kill me is the tumors taking over my brain. Now give me my beer back!"

"Cancer and alcohol are not to be…" Before he could finish his sentence she interjected

"Oral, Esophageal, Liver, and we both know full well that the cancer and alcohol medical tirade that was about to escape your lips is mainly in relation to chemotherapy which I am not a candidate for."

"Wet Brain" Mark produced as he folded his arms defiantly; obviously thinking he won the argument.

"Oh would you just stop! You're grasping at straws now Mark, there is no way I'm at risk of wet brain by drinking one damn beer. Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome is the manifestation of a thiamine deficiency, which I do not have. And yes, whilst it can be induced by alcohol abuse I hardly think a beer is the abuse thereof."

"Well how about…"

"Stop it Mark. This is done, okay. You lost the ability to affect my decisions or have me care what you think about my decisions about 9 months ago so you can either hand my beer over or leave... Better yet, just leave." She said fed up with the situation.

Mark looked as though he was considering his options and finally slid the beer back to Alyssa. "Look I'm sorry okay."

"About what, exactly?" She asked.

"I was being a jackass okay. I know I was… am."

"Really which parts? Because, I don't think jackass fully sums up how I feel about you."

But before Mark could answer Joe came out of the back with her food in hand and another beer.

"That looks great" Alyssa smiled accepting the second beer a little too anxiously for Mark's liking.

"So Dr. Sloan's your old friend." Joe said voice of holding a little bit of mirth, acknowledging Mark with a small head nod.

"Yes but not who I came to see." She answered through gritted teeth and at that point Joe knew it was for the best that he made himself scarce.

"Can I get you anything?" he asked hesitantly to Mark.

"No thanks Joe, I'm good for now."

"Just holler if you need me" he instructed both as he walked to the back to busy himself with something.

Alyssa took the double cheeseburger in her hands and took a big bite, moaning as she chewed the hot food, putting a few fries in as well. She had almost forgotten the man seated across from her, who at the moment was staring at her as though she was an alien.

"What? It's really good." She told him as she sipped her beer, thinking he was finding an issue with her food moans.

"Since when do you eat anything but fish?"

"Since I found out I was dying. It really puts a lot of things into perspective." She said coolly as she ate her fries, watching as Mark flinched at the mention of death.

"Could you stop being so flippant about it." Mark stated more so than asked banging his fist on the table.

"No, I can't. Almost two months I've been dealing with this, and It's how I've chosen to deal with the hand I've been dealt, and I'm not going to stop because it makes you or anyone else more comfortable. My life has never been fair Mark, partly thanks to you, so my flippancy is my prerogative, get over it!" She huffed as she pushed her food to the side, no longer hungry.

"I'm sorry. I am." He cleared his throat hoping to dislodge the amount of emotion he heard "It's just when you seized last night… when I saw the scans… I was scared okay. I thought I would have so much time to make it right with you… I just…" he couldn't finish the sentence; his eyes were starting to pool water on the brim of his eyelashes, threatening to spill at any moment.

"I don't need your pity Mark" she replied, not moved in the least by the obvious emotion behind his words.

"Pity?! Is that what you think this is? I care about you Lyss!" he stated as he reached for her hand, which she pulled away as if she had been scald.

"You care about me? Oh, is that why you cheated on me with Addison? Why you threw a year together away, tossed me like I was on old dirty rag you had no use for?" he looked down ashamed, unable to utter a retort, an explanation for any of it. "Is that why you wrecked you and Derek's friendship? Because you cared about him too, at least that's what I thought, I mean, you've only known each other since you were 5." She said sarcastically. "I'd hate to see what you'd do to people you don't care about."

A silence ensued between them, both lost in thought.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxx

"Come on. Pick up. Pick up." Derek chanted into his phone.

"Hey" Alyssa answered, sounding tired.

"WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?" he screamed into the phone.

"Umm… I'm getting a bite to eat." She answered obviously flustered by his anger, which made him feel bad about yelling at her.

"Oh… I'm sorry… I just went in your room and you weren't there and I thought… I don't know what I thought… are you in the cafeteria or outside?"

"Outside, but I'm not at the hospital." He could hear her bracing herself for another lashing.

"Where are you?" he asked sternly, showing he wasn't happy about her leaving.

"At the bar across the street."

"I'm on my way." He breathed and ended the call, not giving her a chance to protest.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxx

"Derek knows that you and Addison were together after he left, so if I were you I would get out of here, now." She suggested, not wanting there to be an argument between the two.

"You told him" Mark said with a tad bit of incredulity in his voice, and perhaps what sounded like, relief.

"I didn't know it was a secret! I never thought you two would lie about it! No, wait, HER, yeah I could believe it, but YOU? I actually still held you to a higher standard than that." She shook her head unbelievably.

"I wanted to tell him." He whispered and met her eyes for the first time since she gave him the verbal lashing of his life. There was truth in them, which softened her a little.

"Why didn't you?"

"Addison didn't want…" he started but stopped as soon as he saw her flinch at the very sound of Addison's name, he watched as her eyes steeled toward him.

"That bitch!" she cursed as she finished her beer. "I really can't stand to be near you right now. Can you just please leave." She whispered the tail end as a tear rolled down her cheek.

"No. You have to let me explain, at least try to Lyss. I know you hate me right now and I fucked up royally but please… just… let me in."

"That's what's so messed up about this whole thing. I don't hate you. After everything, I still can't hate you."

Right then Mark knew he at least had a chance to get his friend back, but he couldn't push her anymore, not without her shutting down and closing him out. She needed her space.

"Okay, I'll go. But I want to see you later."

She contemplated the quasi request, weighing the fact that she knew 1) she needed to fully get her issues of her chest, you know, dying and all, 2) when Mark Sloan wanted something he never gave up, so he would hound her incessantly till he got his time with her and 3) there was sure to be a confrontation if Derek saw Mark, and as much as what Addison and Mark had done was wrong she didn't want to see him hurt by Derek.

"I'm staying at the Archfield Hotel in Penthouse 2. Call me later."

Mark stood and walked the short distance till he was right in front of her, bent and kissed her atop her head. "Okay." And without another word or fleeting glance, he left.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxx

The rest of the day had been pretty uneventful. Derek had come over to Joes and ordered himself some lunch, so they ate together, remembering the old days, cases they had worked on together, how he and Mark had liked her from the time she was an intern but had only befriended her in her 2nd year.

After eating he took her on a ferry boat ride, something they use to do together in New York not too long ago, after a rough day, or just to hang out, on the rare occasion they had the same day off. He showed her his land, and the trailer he called home, which she assumed Addison shared because of the ridiculous amount of Manolo's and Jimmy Choo's she saw in the open closet.

As they sat on the deck sharing a bottle of wine, Derek seemed comfortable talking about the past, though he never uttered a word about Addison, which she was admittedly grateful for, but it was just plain weird, especially for Derek Christopher Shepherd. He should be upset right now, which meant throwing himself into surgery after surgery, avoiding everyone he knew, not having a relaxing day with a friend as if there wasn't a care in the world between them, which was definitely the furthest thing from the truth as either of them could get.

"This place really suits you Derek." She sighed looking up at the stars.

"I like to think so." He returned absentmindedly fiddling with his glass.

"Want to talk about it?" she asked turning her head to look him over.

"No Aly! You don't need to be worrying about me or my problems, only about you and what you want to do these next couple of months."

She knew then that the daunting realization that she was a lost cause was settling in for Derek. There was an obvious change between that morning when he promised her he would find a way and when he made her promise not to give up and to fight with him, to the here and now when they sit on his porch and it seems like all hope has left him.

"Just in case." She smiled, big and toothy, silently telling him that she would fight and that she believed in him. She knew it was wrong, and she had told herself she would never do it, but she wanted to give him hope, because that was the best part of Derek and she sure as day was not going to be the person that took the optimism out of Derek.

"Just in case." He smiled, a small glint returning to his eyes, as he clinked his glass to hers, with a comfortable silence taking over.

A phone started to ring inside the trailer and Derek got up to see who it was. He came out of the trailer with the phone, still ringing, and a scowl on his face, passing it to her. "It's Mark." He sat down in his chair heavily as though he had the weight of the world atop his shoulders.

"Hello." She said as she placed the phone on speaker. She did this in the hope that Derek would be so irritated that he would be forced to talk to her, get his issues of his chest.

"I've been texting you for the past 2 hours."

"Sorry, I was um…busy, and I left my phone inside." She said as she glanced at Derek, who now was playing with his fingernail.

"It's okay. Where are you? I can meet you there." Mark said hope in his voice.

"No. I don't think that's a good idea." She said but before she could reschedule Mark interrupted.

"C'mon, Lyss. You know the only reason I left today was because you said we would talk tonight. Please don't do this. I need to explain." He pleaded, the man sounded almost pitiful, completely unlike him, so much so that Derek looked the phone confused, eyebrows knit together.

"I'm not cancelling on you Mark. I'm with Derek right now so I just need to reschedule, maybe tomorrow."

"Okay" he agreed defeated, but through the silence you could hear he wanted to ask something else.

"Well, I'll call you when I'm available tomorrow."

"How is he Lyss?" Mark whispered. Derek scoffed and shook his head as if to say 'I don't believe this guy!'

Alyssa didn't know how to answer but looking at Derek's sullen face and the war going on behind his eyes she thought it best to tell the truth, to the both of them, because quite frankly, they needed to hear it.

"You hurt him Mark, both of you have. It's probably even worse than when he walked in on you two." Mark sighed audibly and Derek stared back at her not even blinking. "You deliberately lied to him, for months. It doesn't matter if she didn't want you to say anything, if you had any respect for the friendship you had, you should have told him Mark."

"To be honest I thought she would have told him before I came. When I found out, I didn't want to hurt him anymore Lyss, I just couldn't. You have to believe me." He replied earnestly and for the first time she broke eye contact with Derek.

"I do believe you Mark." She breathed and heard a soft sigh of relief from him. "But it still doesn't excuse it. I'm sorry." She looked at Derek again "What really irks me this time around is that I'm the one that told him, so now he's hurting because of me."

Derek looked as though he was going to answer her but Mark took his opportunity "Derek would never blame you for this, and I'm sorry you're in this situation because of me. The last thing I want to do is hurt you anymore." Mark said solemnly.

"What's done is done Mark. Look, I have to go. I'll call you tomorrow." She answered not willing to delve further into her and Mark's issues over the phone, especially with it being on speaker.

"Promise me." He told her, knowing she would never break a promise.

"I promise. Good night Mark."

"Night. Sleep well." He said and hung up right after.

"He's right" Derek said finishing the rest of his wine in a gulp.

"About?" she asked, unaware the trail of thought Derek was following.

"I don't blame you. I'm not mad at you. If anything, you're the only person I could depend on to tell me the truth."

"I never thought you were. But I have caused you pain by telling you. So now every time you think about them being together after you left, I'll be attached to the memory."

He hadn't thought of it that way, it stunned him sort of, to know her issue wasn't that he was upset with her but rather the negative knowledge of the affair would be associated with her forever. He had to agree, she would be, but not in a negative sense, but her point was valid nonetheless, so he let it be and simply nodded his head in acceptance.

"Does your family know?" he asked as the thought popped up in his head.

She shook her head in response, looking sheepishly at him.

"Aly!" he stood out of his chair swiftly, looking a mixture of scolding and disappointed.

"I just haven't gotten around to it." She told him lamely.

"They need to know! You should have the support of your friends and you family at a time like this. You have to tell them!"

"Are you really lecturing me on the need for familial support right now?" she stood to meet him. "Mr. my wife sleeps with my best friend and I don't return my family's phone calls, nor do I show up for thanksgiving, Christmas, or my mother's birthday." She replied in anger, but regretted it as soon as the words were out. It was a low blow and she hadn't intended to hurt him.

"It's not the same and you know it Aly." Derek answered letting her attack on him slide off his shoulder. She wouldn't meet his eyes so he raised her chin and saw her unshed tears pooling. "Why haven't you told them?" he asked quietly.

"I've been trying to come to terms with it okay! I always thought I'd be ready when the time came, but I'm not. I don't want to die, Derek. I don't want to die." Within an instant her body shook and the tears started to flow. "My mom and brother won't care, they never have. But my dad." She had to stop, to suppress a sob, clasping a hand over her mouth. "It'll make it real Derek. If I tell him, it'll make it real. All of it. I… I…"

She broke down completely. Derek felt when her legs gave way and had the presence of mind to catch her. She clung to him for dear life, and he held her close, taking her into the trailer. He laid with her for the rest of the night, allowing her tears to drench his shirt, running a hand through her hair for comfort, whispering word of comfort in her ear, doing whatever he needed to be her rock.


	4. Chapter 4

**Title: Past Decisions, Brutal Realizations and a Hopeful Future**

**Author: Farrah**

**Disclaimer: If I had a couple million to spare, believe me Grey's would be mine, but I don't. I'm going to cry now :-(**

**Summary: Things get interesting for the gang at SGH when someone from Derek, Mark, and Addison's past makes a visit. Not only do they turn things upside down but they also share quite an interesting past with another member of the surgical team. Post 'Yesterday'.**

* * *

><p>AN: So I am so super sorry for not updating my stories (all of them). I'm trying to rectify the situation now… I hope I still have some readers out there. If you guys are new to the fic I know the storyline is a bit old but I always wanted to finish this story.

Please review if you like it.

FYI for who I envisioned Alyssa to look like is **Zoe Saldana**

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><p><em>I thank everyone that took the time to read my story thus far. I'm honored that there are persons out there still (at my last update) interested in my story and ideas.<em>

_I have received one or two negative reviews but the CONSTRUCTIVE reviews I really do appreciate. It helps me become a better writer, truly._

_I hadn't planned on explaining the Alyssa character this early. I intended for her to be heavily disliked (by some) early on but as the chapters progressed see if I could change some person's views. I've never really had a character that was mean to a main character but due to a turn in my writing I now have 2 stories with it so this is me trying to change my style and have some growth. I really hope you would continue to read, and leave reviews to tell me of my progress._

_I do feel it is necessary to dispel the idea that I hate Addison. I don't. I actually really like the character; I think she and Mer (whom I admittedly love as a character) have a lot in common. Addi just hides her issues better, and dresses impeccably. I am not a MerDer shipper. I actually always wanted MerMark but I simply will take what I get (which ended up being MerDer and no Maddie, unfortunately)._

_But please do remember this is an AU, so with the introduction of a new character it will diverge from the storyline arc the show followed. Thank god for that I say, because Mark is ALIVE and WELL in my story . The character Alyssa has been roaming around in my head for a while now and has undergone lots of changes. I must admit I originally didn't intend for her to be as mean but as I wrote, I felt it would be cool to stir some things up._

_I hope you all will continue to read as I will continue to write (albeit slowly)!_

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><p><strong>Chapter 4:<strong>

It was 7am when the alarm on Derek's phone sounded, jostling the two from their sound sleep.

"It is too early to be awake" Alyssa grumbled as she put her head beneath the pillow trying to get away from the shrill sound piercing her ears.

"What are you talking about? It's like 10am in New York right now. You would have been up hours ago." He yawned as he got up and turned the alarm off.

"Derek I haven't had to go in to work in about two months. I no longer wake up before 12."

"Shit. Sorry. I don't why I didn't think you wouldn't be working."

"It's okay. Don't worry about it. We haven't really talked about much since I got here; you know me passing out and all. By the way, thanks for last night."

Derek smiled at her. One thing he knew about Alyssa Graham is that she was not in touch with her emotions so to speak and her thanking him for caring for her whilst she cried probably had bile rising in her throat at that very moment.

"Eggs and toast?" he asked as he pulled a pan from the cupboard, receiving a smile and a quick nod.

* * *

><p>Mark lay in his bed staring at the pattern on the ceiling. He memorized every wave, turn, spiral and groove trying to control his thoughts while listening to the patter of the rain on his hotel room window.<p>

He had barely slept since speaking to Alyssa, between worrying about their upcoming conversation; her impending death, morbid as it may be; and the encounter that was bound to happen with Derek and Addison, his mind was buzzing. Getting drunk last night didn't help the situation either. It just allowed for him to analyze every decision he had made in the last eight months or so, starting with him sleeping with Addison.

He groaned as his phone buzzed on the nightstand next to him.

'_D = morn surg :( ... __Bck my HOtel (-_-) R U free 2day?_' he smiled as he read the text.

"Some things never change" he chuckled as he replied: '_I'm on call tonight so I don't go in until 6. I'm free whenever you are._'

She must have been awaiting his reply because she messaged back almost immediately. '_koolz… meet soon? like 2hrs?'_

It was at that moment that he was frightened. He had asked for them to talk, but he wasn't ready. What was he going to say? Sorry… I'm an asshole? That wouldn't work. He said that yesterday and she was not impressed at all. '_Sure. Where would you like to meet?_' he replied. He had two hours to figure his shit out.

Perhaps she was as nervous as he, this time her text took about a full two minutes to come.

'_Archfield Hotel. Text on ur way up_'

Shit! He thought. Maybe this would be a great time to tell her that they were living in the same hotel. Actually, they shared a floor. Penthouse 1 &2 were two bedroom lofts so they shared the hotel's 30th floor. Maybe holding off on that bit of information would be better, he didn't want to get her riled up or blindside her with the information. At this point any wrong move on his part may cause him to be completely alienated from her life.

* * *

><p>Meredith rounded the corner with Christina and Alex, all heading to the basement to do scut work because they were late and Bailey is an evil person. For a split second she caught sight of Derek and made a beeline for the stairs leaving Christina bewildered.<p>

"Meredith" Derek said as her hand touched the handle and she bristled almost instantly.

"Dr. Shepherd" she answered politely as she watched Christina and Alex smirk and stop to 'watch the show', sometimes she had to wonder why they were even her friends.

"I have a craniotomy in less than an hour. I need an intern, would you like to join?"

She was dumbstruck by the request, at the very least, which caused her to answer, "Wait… you're asking me?"

"Yes" he stated but sort of asked looking around, showing his confusion, she was the only one around.

"I know you're asking _me_." She told him quickly "I'm just surprised that you're actually _asking_ me. Usually you just tell Bailey to put me on your rotation" she furthered looking at him squarely.

It was then he understood what she actually meant. Since he chose to stay with Addison he had not wanted to give her up, even if it were just her presence and she (at least to him) had wanted nothing more than to be a planet away from him. He had been requesting, if you could even call it that, that she be placed on his rotation as often as possible. Maybe it was selfish but he couldn't help it. She owned a part of him, no matter what decision he made.

"Yeah. I'm sorry about that" he whispered as he hung his head a little. He was sorry, that much was true, and Meredith knew it as soon as the words left his lips. "I know I haven't exactly made this situation any better but if it's okay with you I'd like it if we could start over." He told her earnestly.

Meredith was confused by the turn of events, but also a little saddened. His actions to this point angered her because he wouldn't let her go but now it seemed as if he was ready to do that, and that hurt, even though it was what she wanted, knowing that he was ready to move on hurt.

"ummm… yeah… start over" she whispered trying to keep her emotions in check.

"It's just with everything the last couple days I've been thinking. I haven't been fair to you, and Mark told me how you helped out with Aly when he needed it. So as a way of saying thank you… I have a fairly complex craniotomy… are you interested?" he asked hoping she would accept his quasi apology and agree to the surgery.

"Sure. That would be great" she smiled, a real one, one that met her eyes. It was the kind of smile he hadn't seen in months, the one that invaded his dreams every night, and for a quick moment he forgot about everything and basked in its glory.

"Good. I'll let Bailey know." He smiled then left.

"Did you just get a fucking surgery?" Christina barked as she made her way to where they were standing, resuming the trek to the basement.

"Please don't start" Meredith answered rolling her eyes.

"I need to start sleeping with attendings so they can get me in on surgeries because this bites!" Alex stated as if he hadn't heard her request, or simply thought it didn't apply to him.

"Firstly, I'm not sleeping with any attendings anymore." Meredith started as the empty gurneys came into sight.

"Secondly, Burke doesn't give me surgeries." Christina continued, receiving a contemptuous glare from Meredith "Thirdly, and definitely most important you didn't pass your boards so no one in this hospital should be wasting their time by even letting you into the OR."

"Christina!"

* * *

><p>Alyssa woke to an incessant pounding on her door, to which she rolled out of bed to answer. Without looking through the peep-hole she swung the door open and barked at whoever was at the other side.<p>

"What do you want?"

"I messaged you. You didn't answer." Mark said as he held his hands up in feigned innocence.

"Oh shit! Sorry. I fell asleep." She yawned as she ran her hand through her bed hair.

"It's okay. I can come back if you want." Mark supplied trying to be nice. Sure he wanted them to get everything out in the open but she looked TIRED. She was definitely not the well-kept woman that he remembered her being not so long ago. Perhaps it came with the territory. She looked as if she had aged 5 years in the last few months, but considering that would only make her 31 years old it's not so bad in the grand scheme of things. Nonetheless, she was still beautiful.

"Don't be silly. Come on in." she moved back inside allowing him to close the door after him. "You want something to drink?"

"Water" he told her as he sat in one of the couches, watching her moved to the bar stand and pour a glass of water for him and a scotch for herself. "Thanks" he said as he accepted it and watched her sit at the other end of the couch.

They sat in silence not really knowing where to start. Mark figured he was at least making headway as yesterday she couldn't even bear to think about him much less bear to be in the same room as him. Alyssa's anger towards Mark no matter how well deserved had dispersed somewhat due to the cry session she had with Derek the previous night. Now, she was simply exhausted. Tired of being strong; afraid of telling her friends and family; of not wanting to admit she was scared shitless by the prospect of death; and no matter how much Mark had hurt her she still cared about him and his presence tended to calm her; though she was not willing to admit that bit of information to him, nor anyone for that matter, that would surely follow her to her grave.

"How are you feeling today?" he asked sipping on his water, not making eye contact.

"Good. No headache this morning, no blurred vision spots. So far so good really." She smiled awkwardly placing her glass on the coffee table.

"I'm sorry Lyss, I really am." he told her earnestly making eye contact for the first time since she met him at the door.

She nodded lightly in acceptance, averting her eyes to her hands which were clamped on her folded legs.

"You don't believe me." he sighed, it was odd behavior for Mark Sloan, it was as if he were a lost puppy trying to find his way home, it was almost pitiful.

"Which part?" She too sighed before continuing. "Do I believe you're sorry I have tumors, also that life really isn't fair, and there is nothing that can be said or done to change it? Yes. I believe you to be genuinely sorry. Do I believe you're sorry about the way things turned out between us, and your part in it all? No not really."

"How could you think I'm not upset about this Lyss? You and I were…we were easy. We never had to think about it, we were just, we were… US! Now, we can't even sit in a room without there being tension and awkwardness, and… it's just all wrong!"

Alyssa stood abruptly and started pacing in front in front of the window "Look Mark, I'm trying really hard not to argue with you! Please don't make this harder than it needs to be!"

"That's exactly what I'm talking about Lyss!" he stood and shoved his hands in his pockets "You never would have thought twice about arguing with me, about putting me in my place. I want that back… especially now."

"Why Mark?! Why do you want… whatever it was we had back when you obviously didn't care enough not fuck it up!

"I fucked up because I'm an asshole! Everyone knows this. You know this… I -" he explained but before he could continue she interjected moving to stand about 3 feet in front of him.

"That is not an excuse! You are the biggest jerk there is but not to _me_, not to Derek! Next to Der you were my best friend, the one person that I could go to no matter the problem. What you did… You ruined everything, the both of you! I can't speak for Derek but I know that you two sleeping together was the last thing I ever thought you could do."

"I wasn't thinking Lyss. She was crying okay. Derek had forgotten their anniversary and I just… I just wanted to… I don't know, be there for her. She's my friend. I…" it wasn't long before he was interrupted again.

"Correction… she's Derek's WIFE! She may be your friend but Derek is a like a brother to you. You two have known each other for longer than I've been alive. I don't care if she was at your feet begging you to" It was Mark's turn to interrupt; he had to get his point across. This would be the first time since the entire event he had a real shot at it.

"It happened so fast I didn't even know what I was doing until Derek walked in… and"

"Jesus Mark do you hear yourself? Are you trying to tell me that you didn't know it was wrong the second you two… you know what I don't want do this, I can't talk about this anymore." she said as she moved back to the bar stand and poured herself another glass of scotch.

"Fine. Can we talk about us then?"

She laughed a wry humorless laugh before asking "What _us_ Mark? The friends? The people that were sleeping with each other? The couple that was moving in together? Or are we talking about the couple that was supposed to be telling their friends they were secretly dating each other for a year and had been serious for about 4 months… the very same night that the so called boyfriend cheats on his so called girlfriend with his best friend's wife?"

Her tirade stunned him. He had intended to ease them into the points that would be their greatest issues but she never really liked doing things the easy way, and he should have seen it coming a mile away. HE pushed the subject and one thing about Alyssa Graham was that she was incapable of backing down; problem is he didn't have an answer. He stood there staring into her brown orbs opening and closing his mouth every so often.

Sensing he was at a loss for where to begin she decided to ask the question that had been haunting her since the night she found out she had been cheated on "We were fine being friends with benefits. It worked for us. You were the one that told me you didn't want me seeing other guys. If you weren't ready for a relationship with me why did you label what we had, and tell me you were ready?"

"Because I was! I was more than ready! At least I thought so." he told her as he moved to stand in front of her. "I'm not Derek, I'm not the good guy that girls want be with forever."

"What are you talking about?" she asked exhausted with the fact that he could not remain on topic or not provide an excuse. "I didn't want Derek. I wasn't with Derek, I was with you!"

"Yeah but you were only taking the jump because I wanted you to. Because I asked you not to flirt with other guys because it drove me insane. I asked you to keep us a secret so that we could figure out what we were doing without the judgment, and then when I got my shit together and figured out I wanted to move in with you, you agreed."

"Are you saying this is my fault? That you sleeping with Addison is because I didn't challenge you on our relationship?" she asked incredulously.

"No! No… that's not what I'm saying."

"Well what are you saying, exactly?"

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair "I'm saying that I can be a self-centered jerk sometimes, and that I'm not the selfless guy that Derek is. That when I saw Addison crying that night because Derek chose a surgery over his anniversary, sending me in his place, I had to ask myself what hope was there for me. If Derek could do that to Addi… what would I do to you?"

"So let me get this right… you slept with her to save me the pain that you would inflict in the future? Because you're not a good guy?" She was not impressed with his explanation so far.

"At the time? NO that's not what I was thinking about, frankly I wasn't thinking… no matter if you believe me when I say that, it's true. I honestly made a mistake that night and it cost me my girlfriend and my best friend in the process."

"And afterwards? Why didn't you explain yourself then? Why did you two stay together?"

"After Derek walked in on us, I just got out of there, I knew me staying wasn't going to make anything better. As for why I never said anything to you… I just couldn't face you. I was ashamed of myself and what I did! I … I decided it was easier to be a coward than to confront you."

"In all the time I've known you Mark, cowardice was never a trait to be associated with you."

"Yeah well when you do something like I did you can't always face up to it. I knew Derek wouldn't want anything to do with me… I just don't think I could've handled that coming from you too." He said as he made a move toward her, hands still in his pockets, afraid reaching for her would scare her off.

She moved to the window, taking the long route, certain not to touch him. "Did you ever wonder how I found out? Or did you just assume the silent treatment would let me know we were over?" she asked as she peered out the window hugging herself. When he didn't answer she continued… "I was packing my stuff to move into yours when I heard the doorbell. I thought it was a little odd seeing as you had had the key for months. I opened the door fully expecting to see you with that sweet smile you reserved only for me but instead I got Derek who looked… I don't know how to explain it… a cross between disheveled, angry, and just plain sad."

She moves the coffee table in front of the couch and sits, seemingly waiting for something, so Mark slowly makes his way to the couch, and perches himself right on the edge so that he can give her his undivided attention. This seems to work…

She continues… "At this point I'm thinking the worst. Someone's dead. Someone that both he and I know, but also loves. I'm thinking you!" She croaks as her eyes appear to have unshed tears pooling on the lid.

"I give him a minute to sit because he looks like he's about to drop. But you know how I am. I live in my head. It couldn't have been more than three minutes, but I swear it, they were the longest three minutes of my life. I envisioned car explosions, robberies gone bad, 50 car pile-up, final destination nail in eye death, you name it I thought it, and I'm fairly positive I never took a breath."

Mark took hold of her trembling hands timidly but it seemed as though she didn't even register what was going on, she was dazed as she relayed the rest of the story.

**_Flashback_**

"_Der talk to me. What's going on?" she asks but gets no response "Der you're scaring me. Derek!" she shouted and gave his shoulders a light squeeze that seemed to snap him out of his reverie._

"_Huh… What?"_

"_What's the matter Derek? You can tell me."_

"_I knew… I knew it… I knew something wasn't right."_

"_What are you talking about? Is it Mark?"_

"_Yes Mark!" he spat "He was there! It was his jacket. The one you bought him."_

"_Derek where is Mark? You're not making any sense." Alyssa got up to retrieve her phone "I've been calling him for hours… he was supposed to be here by now." She said as she called his number again, only this time it went straight to voicemail._

"_How could they?" He mumbled as he ran his hand throughout his already mussed hair. _

"_Derek look at me! Look at ME!" She said and put her hands on his face forcing him to stare right into her eyes "You're not making any sense. What the hell is going on?"_

"_Mark and Addi… they um… um… she was um… I can't believe this is happening." He said and just as Alyssa was about to push him for more his phone began to ring. Addison. He silenced the call and slammed the phone on the ground, but not before Alyssa was able to see the caller id._

"_Did you and Addison have a fight? Is that what this is about? Did Mark take her side again?" she asked breathing a little easier, believing thoughts of death were no longer one of the options._

_Derek chuckled wryly "He took more than her side."_

_Alyssa let the cryptic statement roll off her shoulder in order to admonish the man before her "I told you not to agree to that extra surgery. It's your anniversary you idiot, you should have been home hours ago. I can't even blame Addi for being upset with you this time." She laughed heartily and continued "I so would have sought some retail therapy on your credit card."_

"_My wife sleeps with my best friend and you think it's funny?" _

"_Wait! What?" she asked, beyond confused by the new information._

"_I walked in on them not even thirty minutes ago."_

"_No you must be mistaken Derek. That's impossible! They wouldn't do that! Mark couldn't do that."_

"_I know what I saw." he sneered becoming visibly upset._

"_You're wrong. I know you're have to be!" She told him lamely. In reality she had already begun to believe and if she was honest with herself she had expected him to cheat sooner or later, it was his nature… But Addison? _

_Derek shot up and moved to the kitchen cabinet pulling out the first bottle that came to his hand, taking a swig, not bothering with a glass. "She was on top, riding him okay! I heard her screams from downstairs and her moans… the way she said his name… his hands… they were all over her! So don't tell me I didn't see them… Because I can't get it out of my head Aly! I can still hear them for God's sake!_

**_End Flashback_**

"He drank for about an hour or so… neither of us said much after that …" she told him in a detached tone.

"He stayed with you the whole time?" Mark asked, he had always wondered where Derek had disappeared to in the time after his and Addison's colossal mistake.

"Yep. I drove him to the brownstone to get his clothes that night. A week later when he left for Seattle I waited till I knew Addison had a shift and I went in and packed all the stuff he told me he wanted." She looked down for the first time and realized their hands were entwined; a small smile crept to her face, but was gone as quickly as it appeared.

"I should have known he would have gone to you. I made a real mess of things. You shouldn't have had to find out like that. You deserved better." He whispered as a tear fell down his right cheek."

"I would have forgiven you. Had you told me, I would have gotten over it." She told him as she cupped his cheek and wiped the tear away with her thumb.

Instinctively Mark leaned his head into her hand and peered into her eyes. It was as if they had been transported back in time and all was as it were before, the pull they had toward the other was incredibly strong. "I know. But you deserve better than me babe. I couldn't ask you to do that."

"That's not your call to make Mark." She stood abruptly, obviously upset; Mark cursed himself for once again saying the wrong thing. "I am tired of being treated like a child. Don't you realize that you not coming to me hurt me more than you telling me ever could?"

"I see that now, but back then I…" he didn't know what to say, this heart-to-heart talking was not his strong point.

She started shaking her head furiously not able to hold the tears back anymore, but she wasn't breaking down like the previous night, this was different, she was upset! "You promised me that no matter what happened between us you would always be there. You lied to me!" she screamed and started pounding on his chest, whilst he made no attempt to stop her. "Shit happened and you weren't there!"

There was something about the way she said it that piqued his interest "What happened?" he asked but instead she made an attempt to turn from him, only to be stopped by Mark gripping her forearms and pinning them to his chest. "What happened Lyssa?"

She stared him down and for the first time he was really afraid he would never really have her back in his life, the disdain her eyes held for him was simply frightening, especially after she had just stated she would have forgiven him. "I was pregnant Mark. The night you didn't show that was what I had to tell you. I was pregnant." She spat.

The color instantly drained from Mark's face and Alyssa pulled herself from his grip and picked up her previously abandoned drink, downing it in a quick gulp.

"How…" he stuttered.

"I'm sure you know how it happened" she huffed as she poured another drink, the alcohol was getting to her but better that than handling Mark sober, that was too dangerous.

"How far along!" He fumed, all of a sudden he was seeing red.

"What does it matter?" she breathe non committedly, the point of delving into this issue was lost on her.

"I want to know!"

"I was 4 weeks along okay. Happy?"

"Why didn't you tell me?!" he spat, his nostrils flaring, she didn't understand why he felt he had the right to be angry right now.

"Why? Are you serious? How was I supposed to tell you when you made it abundantly clear that you wanted nothing to do with me?"

"Don't give me that bullshit Alyssa. You know damn well I would have been there!"

"Have you lost your mind? Do you not remember the many conversations we had about not wanting kids, about how we would make horrible parents?"

"So that's what it was? Revenge? I screwed you over so you wanted to get even?" he got right in front of her face, veins popping from his neck, his face flushed with anger.

Alyssa moved swiftly to the door and put her hand on the knob, if he didn't stop making accusations she was very close to throwing a vase at his face so it was best he left. "Get out." She said steadfastly as he hands trembled from the anger rising in her chest.

"What is with you women and killing my kids!?" He screamed as she swung the door open.

"Get the hell out. NOW!" she screamed right back and he obliged stopping right outside the door to stare her down. Just as he was to speak she bit out in a clipped tone "For your information, I miscarried MY child." She slammed the door on him immediately thwarting any ability he had to make a retort and for the second time in less the 24 hours she broke down. Perhaps coming to Seattle wasn't such a good idea after-all.

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><p><strong>Thanks as always for reading. Please review! It lets me know you're reading!<strong>


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